Writing Challenge I – Allison Dickson

About Allison:
Allison runs a clinic for vampires in Dayton, Ohio. She is a strong advocate for the rights of vampires, lycanthropes, and centaurs. Contact her to find out how you can help.


Dear Allison,

As your most-trusted couch cushion, I think it’s time we had a serious discussion about where we stand right now. Time working under you this last year has been, for lack of a better word, heavy. And as a result, I’ve been feeling a little flat, and I need you to address that.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are worse jobs out there to be had in the “things that get sat on” market. It sure beats the hell out of a toilet seat gig, and I’m thankful every day I didn’t wind up in a cab or under a trucker’s ass. But I don’t think people appreciate what a high-pressure industry this is. And let’s face it. I have an ASS in my FACE all day! Tempers can and will flare from time to time.

People are starting to notice the changes in me due to the stress of this job. For one thing, I’m growing thinner by the day. When I first arrived, I was robust, substantial. Hell, I could bounce back from almost anything you threw my way. Now I’m literally disintegrating, and I’m pretty sure my back is permanently swayed. I’d ask you to have a professional address this, but undoubtedly you’ll drum up some excuse about the money and just use me up until I’m dead.

It just feels like you’re singling me out quite a bit. You hardly ever call on the others when it comes to your sitting needs. It’s always me, me, me. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, and often long stretches in between. Haven’t you ever heard of a chair, woman? I mean, there’s a bloody Lay-Z-Boy sitting right across from me, and you’d rather stack clothes and blankets on it than use it for its intended purpose!

Ridiculous.

When I first arrived, you had me as part of a regular rotation, but I think you’ve just gotten lazy. And don’t try to deny it. The perment concavity of my face is all the proof I need that you just aren’t doing your part anymore.

I’m not going to make insane demands here. All I ask is that you switch me out for my partner for a little bit. I know things will feel weird and awkward for awhile, but eventually the other cushion will adjust to the job, just like I did.

I’m not telling you all this to threaten you. I’m just here to say that we can only hold your fat ass up for so long before we finally give out. I’ll last a long longer if you just give me a break once in awhile. In fact, once you’re done writing down everything I’m telling you, you can hop to it.

Oh, and one more thing before you go. Not so much Mexican food, okay? I mean, come on.

Wearily Beneath You,

Your favorite couch cushion